Friend, Foe, or Awkwardddddd

The Balance Theory, developed by Fritz Heider in 1988, is based on the idea that people are attracted to others who are similar to them. For attraction to occur in a relationship, key factors include physical attractiveness, similarity, complementarity, familiarity, and proximity (McCroskey & McCain, 1974). When getting to know someone, we tend to find them more attractive the more we discover similarities between us (Heider, 1988). According to Heider, it's easier to maintain a relationship when there is a higher level of similarity. Based on Balance Theory, both people in a relationship need to agree or disagree on the same things in order to keep the relationship stable (Heider 1988). That doesn’t mean they have to share every opinion, but the severity of the disagreement matters (Heider 1988). For example, if one person likes Chinese food and the other doesn’t, that’s usually a minor issue that won’t affect the relationship. However, a disagreement on something more serious—like political views—can create more tension and often leads to the relationship ending or not progressing past a few dates. The diagram below illustrates this concept using a triangle, where blue lines represent "likes" and red lines represent "dislikes." When both people feel the same way about the topic—whether they both like it or both dislike it—the relationship tends to be more balanced and stable (Heider 1988).

(top dot would be yourself, bottom left would be the other person, and bottom right is the topic)

The balance theory—whether we realize it or not—comes into play in every relationship, whether it’s platonic or romantic. For example, my boyfriend is very Christian, and while I’m not, I was raised in a Catholic family. I've always wanted to baptize my future children. In the Christian church, baptism is seen as a promise that the child will be raised to follow God. However, my boyfriend believes a child should have the choice to decide their own spiritual path, and he’s uncomfortable with making that decision for them so early. In the Catholic tradition, baby baptisms are considered necessary for the child's spiritual well-being and entrance into heaven. For me personally, baptizing a baby is a way of thanking God for the gift of life and committing to raise the child with love, faith, and guidance—while still understanding that they may choose a different path later on, and that’s okay. We had a deep conversation about this the other night. At first, we were completely on opposite sides of the issue—our situation resembled the "unbalanced" triangle in Balance Theory, where disagreement causes tension. But after I explained my perspective and he really listened, he began to understand where I was coming from. He said that if we had children someday, he’d be open to learning more about baptism. That moment felt like we shifted to the “balanced” triangle, where understanding and mutual respect brought us closer.

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Citations: 

Heider, F. (1988). Fritz Heider: 'The notebooks,' Vol. 4. Balance theory. (M. Benesh-Weiner, Ed.). Psychologie Verlags Union. 

McCroskey, J. C., & McCain, T. A. (1974). The measurement of interpersonal attraction. Speech Monographs, 41(3), 261–266

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Sirena Sauceda